


Could roses bloom again?

by Akiko_kitsune



Category: Gintama
Genre: Angst, Chapter 703 Spoilers, Hanahaki Disease, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mutual Pining, Overuse of flower symbolism cause no one stop me, POV Alternating, Teacher-Student Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-18
Updated: 2019-06-18
Packaged: 2020-05-14 05:10:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19266505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akiko_kitsune/pseuds/Akiko_kitsune
Summary: There was once a disease that came after people deeply in love. When they felt their feelings weren't mutual, they tried to push them deep down, so no one would ever find them. And those feelings began to grow and bloom in their chests, filling their lungs, getting stuck in their throat, making them cough and suffocate, slowly wither. And once that disease reached for the most stubborn samurai mankind had ever witnessed.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> When it was still a wip, I kept calling it Hanahaki AU, but isn't it canon that Takasugi's devotion and longing for Shouyou made his condition to worsen? I'm a bit bitter at canon because of it. I cut this fic into two chapters, cause the first one is what I thing Hanahaki usually looks like and the second is more my wild fantasy.
> 
> The title is from Billie Eilish song "Six Feet Under", but I'm just acting all edgy always using quats from her, though this fic I wrote listening to "What is Love"

**Carnations - Admiration**

 

It started... A long time ago. Since the moment he first time saw him, heard him, spoke with him, something heavy started to grow in his chest. It took time to understand what it was. At first, it didn't seem worrisome. Sometimes he lacked air, his chest squeezed tightly, but he mostly could fake it, so no one even noticed. But it was getting worse. 

Of course, Zura was the first one to notice it. As always the biggest pain the ass.

"Are you alright?", "You need to tell someone.", "If only granny was still around..." He couldn't get over it after he saw Takasugi cough once. Once.

After the second time, he just pulled him over to Shouyou. "Sensei? Takasugi has been feeling unwell for a few days..."

Days? It had been almost a year, but no one needed to know.

Speaking of which, the cough returned. Takasugi felt something scratching in his throat. No. Not now. Not when there was someone around.

There were two crimson red petals before him. When he calmed down a bit after the attack and remembered he wasn't alone, he wanted to hide it. All because of long-learnt impulse. You can’t let anyone saw your weakness whatever it might be.

Everyone already noticed it.

Zura looked terrified at Shouyou and asked. "Will he be alright?"

"Don't worry." His tone was always so soft and soothing. "Can you excuse us for a moment? I need to talk to your friend."

Zura nodded. He hesitated a bit before leaving his friend, but as always he did as he was told to. That thing about him was probably the most enerving. Though he was slowly unlearning that. At least something.

Shouyou sat next to Takasugi and looked at his closed fist where he tried to hide the petals, then into his eyes.

"Do you know what it means?" he asked softly.

Takasugi shook his head.

"I see." Shouyou paused to gather words to make his statement clear and understandable. "There is a... Disease, I suppose you can call it like that. When you happen to fall deeply in love, but unfortunately you feel it isn't mutual and you try to push these feelings deep down, so no one will ever find them, these feelings will begin to grow and bloom in your chest. Filling your lungs, getting stuck in your throat, making you cough, suffocate..." Shouyou hesitated before continuing. But Takasugi got what he was trying not to say: if nothing was going to be done, he would end up dead. "The only way out is to tell what you are feeling to that special person and hear out their answer. I know it sounds scary. Sometimes even scarier that to slowly suffocate over years. But it's better than to suffer and wait for the words that may not come… Do you know who is that person?”

Takasugi nodded. Of course, he knew. That person was right in front of him.

“That’s good,” Shouyou spoke. “I hope you soon get in touch with them.”

Takasugi heard what he was saying, but in one part Shouyou was especially right. It was far too scary to confess. To face rejection.

So.

Takasugi chose to suffocate.

 

**Daisies - I'll never tell you**

 

"My, my, you may sometimes listen to your teacher," Shouyou murmured when Takasugi was taken to him again. During the fight with Gintoki, he got hit into the chest which caused coughing and choking on the petals. He curled to the floor and tried to calm. When it was over, it tired him to the point he could barely oppose as Gintoki and Zura took him and dragged him there.

"I've been telling them it's nothing."

"It isn't nothing, Shinsuke."

Oh, name. No nicknaming, no teasing, no joking. Shouyou was truly worried about him.

_He_ made him worried. 

Takasugi lowered his gaze. What else could he do?

Shouyou sat near him. That was probably the only good outcome of this strange disease. Shouyou was always beyond anyone’s reach, always seemed so distant. However, in moments when Takasugi was brought to him, he was getting closer, worried to the point of forgetting about the limits he’d set for unknown reasons.

“How are you feeling now?” Shouyou asked softly.

“Good.” Years of being told to be tough were hard to erase. Shouyou always waited to the moment when the truth would start coming out. “Not bad. My throat is sore, though.”

“Okay. We can do something about a sore throat.” Shouyou smiled.

Takasugi lowered his gaze once more. This time as if he was blinded by the brightness of that smile. Corners of his lips slightly curved up too. That one thing was… It almost felt worth it to suffer like that or even more to just be this close to him, to being taken care of by him, to see his smile. But playing a victim to gain something wasn’t something Takasugi would do. So he only didn’t move away that much when situations like that happened.

 

* * *

"Stubborn boy," these were the first words Takasugi heard when he woke up. He had to faint during a fight. His chest felt heavy and his throated ached as if he vomited. Not this again.

"Didn't you like my stubbornness?" Takasugi tried to tease back.

Shouyou smiled. "I do. But let sometimes someone help you, give you a shoulder to rely on…” He caressed Takasugi’s hair. Was it really happening or was it a dream? Takasugi closed his eyes. He wanted it to last. “I won't force you to open towards the whole world. I know how scary it is. But remember, there are people on whom you can count on. You have friends here."

"I know."

Yet, he did never told anyone.

 

* * *

It was getting worse. Shouyou stopped teasing with him when he got dragged to him. He only looked at him sadly. Takasugi wanted to do anything to wipe off this sadness from his face.

"To be so deeply in love with someone at so young age…” Shouyou started once. “I knew you were an exceptional student,” he said with a light smile that soon faded when worries surpassed all positive thoughts. “But, please, stop being so stubborn. I won't bear watching you wither..."

Takasugi opened his eyes wider. What? Did it meant...?

No. Definitely not. Takasugi only wanted that to be true. He got the point when his weakened mind was reading too much into what was happening around. Some things weren’t possible.

Soon Takasugi started to regret how stubborn he was.

 

**Gardenias - Secret love**

 

The flowers were changing sometimes. From red to white. Their petals from small and pointy, to finally become more round and big. Takasugi sometimes kept them if they weren't dirted with blood. They were a vivid reminder of his, at least one-sided, connection to Shouyou. He needed that. Cause it the middle of the war they got themselves in, Shouyou felt like some dream they all believed it. Like something that could have never existed in this hell.

Yet, he used to be there with them, Takasugi was reminding himself clenching his hand on the white petals. And they were going to take him back.

The downside was that coughing, though it wasn’t as troublesome as in his childhood. Maybe he got used to it or it became a bit lighter, so he stopped paying attention to it. Something was definitely going to kill him one day, who cared what it would be. Others didn’t get over it as easily. His troops that with one his cough were running all pale and worried. He was able mostly to brush them off. It was even worse was with his friends. If he coughed around them, he would never hear the end of it.

"Damn, you're good?" Tatsuma looked over. "You..."

"I'm good," he said, but there was no more obvious lie than it. He wiped his mouth with his hand and tried to act as if nothing happened. He took a gulp of alcohol to get rid of bitter taste even if that made his throat ache more.

Of course, Tatsuma didn’t stay silent when he first time saw it. Afterwards and any other time. He wasn’t silent about anything.

"Who's the lucky lady you're pinning so hard all over her?" he teased Takasugi.

"Just shut up."

He didn’t. He only shifted a bit further from Takasugi like he wanted to get away from the range of his blade. Good, one day it would reach him. 

"Who would have thought you're so deep in love..." Sakamoto hummed.

"He can give classes about unhealthy attachment," Gintoki added in.

“Kintoki, you know who is he…?”

Gintoki shrugged his shoulders. “Try to get it out from him.”

“No.” The last thing Takasugi wanted was his feelings being dragged out as a challenge between his friends.

Sakamoto changed the subject a bit. "Maybe try with someone else?"

"It's worse."

"Huh?"

"It's getting worse if I try with someone else."

There was one time. Not in that brothel, women didn't interest him. But... Maybe that was even more shameful. There was one of his soldiers. He was nothing like Shouyou, but there was something that kept taking Takasugi’s attention. He was strong, probably the strongest man in the army, though he never tried his chances with Gintoki nor Zura, he was above picking petty fights like this. Maybe cause he was older than them, in this hell it was easy to forget how young former Shouyou’s students were.

He wasn’t a show-off, but there were some subtle marks of his power. He could easily break Takasugi into pieces, but he always listened to him. That was somehow arousing. Thinking how all that strength was under his command. Thinking how he could one day stand up to him and easy manhandle him.

One night between drinking things somehow moved that way. Takasugi caught his attention as well. Though closer to truth would be to say that most of Kiheitai gathered some affection towards their commander. Takasugi was aware of it, he couldn’t understand why it was that way, but it came in handy. Moving things as he wanted was easier when everyone was already on their knees for him.

That night Takasugi first time slept with someone. Maybe it was partially cause he more and more got lost in the feeling that they didn’t have even the slightest chance of saving Shouyou, even of getting out alive from this hell. Maybe that thought made everything feel bad. Bitter. 

After came the attack. Takasugi tried to suppress his cough, so he ended up nearly choking on the flowers. It was the worst of all the attacks he had.

That guy was by his side the whole time. That was probably worse. Having someone to see his shame. He even held Takasugi as he puked mouthful of flowers.

There was obviously no continuation of that night. That soldier died soon either way. It seemed only idiots could survive. And that was only making Takasugi wonder on which part of this spectrum he was placing.

 

**Hyacinths - Sorrow**

 

It was said the disease was lethal. Yet, for Takasugi, the death wasn’t coming soon enough. He survived the whole war, he survived being held captive, he survived… He got away from so many death sentences. And now, even the disease slowed down. If only it could give him a break for more than a few weeks. Shouyou was gone. What did his feelings mean anymore?

It kept tormenting him. And making everyone around see this most pitiful side of him. When he started gathering new people, forming new Kiheitai, he knew it was only a matter of time. He kept that away from them for a bit over a year. And then, without any sign, a rough attack came.

"Shinsuke..." Bansai moved to help him, but seeing that was the matter of his commander's condition, he stopped himself.

Stupid flowers. They were always telling him away.

It was no longer even coughing. It got closer to vomiting. Flowers' colour was barely visible underneath the blood they were mixed in. Was his throat hurt? Probably. Chest? Lungs? 

His heart?

Definitely.

That one stupid part of him was bleeding all over everything. He could only try to rip it out or to pierce it with his sword so it would stop pumping this blood where it shouldn’t.

That night was rough. Was it going to be like this from now on? Maybe he was losing this battle sooner than he expected. He got better for some time only to fall apart even more.

In the morning his state stabilized. He threw up so much that there was barely anything left probably.

His subordinates were by his side the whole night. That made him feel worse to the point he refused to get up, even in the first impulse he himself wanted to. He didn't want to face anyone.

"What happened?" Matako dared to ask.

"Hm?" Takasugi hummed irately. But he let her ask further since Bansai kept his weighing gaze on him.

"These are such sad flowers... I wondered what happened to the person you loved."

"Does anyone puke with happy flowers?"

"At the beginning... maybe." She lowered her gaze.

Takasugi tried to recall what flowers it was at the beginning. Could they be called _happy_? Probably.

"He died," Takasugi answered her almost forgotten question. "Just before my eyes... And I'll follow him one day."

She lowered her head not daring to speak again. Her clenched fist on the hem of her skirt was telling away there was something more at the tip of her tongue. Did she want to stop him from throwing his life away? He would laugh her in the face if she said so.

Luckily, Bansai took a turn in speaking. "Shinsuke, you know there is another way of freeing yourself from... _this_."

"I know."

He knew. For a long time already. Shouyou didn't tell him about it. Of course, he didn't. It was a too cruel thing to say to a child.

All that misery could be ended by cutting the flowers with their roots. It was a hard procedure, but if the only other possibility was death, it stopped sounding so bad. Worst was the aftermath. It took away one's ability to fall in love again and memories of their beloved person. It wasn't surprising that most of the people were choosing instead to suffer and await death.

Takasugi didn't need the ability to love. Either way, he knew his heart could belong to that one person and he would never let anyone else there. He wouldn't even dare to reach to the other person anyone. His life was doomed to the point when he caught himself sometimes scared that by speaking to someone he was going to pull them down, throw them into a death sentence, drown them in the darkness that was choking him.

The other thing was holding him back. He couldn't let go of memories about Shouyou. If he tore out this one piece of him, there would be nothing else left, only darkness and despair.

He was going to die. He made his peace with it.  
  


**Violets - Faithfulness**

 

And one day he truly pushed his body beyond its limitation as well as beyond anyone's reach. He was left alone, bleeding out with a bitter taste of loss. No. He wasn't going to lose this fight, no on its final distance.

He had a backup plan. As most of the times. Thought this time the risk was even greater than any other time. But as always, he was going all in.

So, ride or die. Even if the ride consisted some unwanted hitchhiker.

He pierced his heart with Oboro’s ashes. He had no idea if it was going to work, but at this point, there was nothing to lose.

It hurt.

It hurt like hell.

_ It’s going to be worse. _

He saw flowers in the pool of blood underneath him. Did he missed and pierced his lung or did the flowers reached his heart? Hard to fell. Breathing became lately so hard he wouldn't probably notice if his lung was wounded. Barely his own wrong move could knock out the air out of him. And if they reached the heart… If they weren’t stopping it from beating, he didn’t care. He needed only a bit more time.

Ironically, the one who always longed for death, facing it was pushing it away.

He took drenched in blood petals. Just a bit more and he would be able to save Shouyou. That was all that mattered.

 

* * *

Altana helped a bit. He was getting back to himself sooner after attacks. At least something. Though it seemed that even the force able to heal any wound wasn’t enough to help him. He always considered himself to be beyond saving, so it wasn’t shocking news.

When he met with Gintoki after two years, his state was close to agony. That what happened when life was recklessly prolonged without any care over it. But who would care about it?

Gintoki noticed his state, but he kept himself from commenting. Until Takasugi started coughing. That stupid coughing.

"What the hell have you done to yourself, Takasugi?"

He only glanced at Gintoki. He didn’t need his opinion.

"You can't let go, huh?" he sighed.

“What do you mean?”

"It is _him_ , right?" Gintoki asked. He knew he wouldn't get any response from Takasugi. At this point, he didn't need any confirmation. He knew. All this time, he knew. “How shitty has everything become,” he sighed. His eyes dared to reached Takasugi again. “You know we probably won’t be able to save him.”

Takasugi didn’t answer. He made his mind about his path. Whatever Gintoki would decide, wouldn’t change it. He didn't need anyone. He could walk this path alone.

It was the last walk of the dead man.

But on that last distance, there was one thing that took Takasugi off guard: 

"I'll keep you safe," Gintoki kept telling him in different variations, more or less directly.

_No, you won't, you can't,_ was pushing onto Takasugi's lips. He held it all back. Instead, he smiled. What else could be done? If the great hero said so, maybe he would be able to somehow save him.

But it was none of Takasugi's concerns.

Though, he was thankful that at this last distance there was someone to carry him. Cause he was doubting if there was enough strength left in him to accomplish his goal. Especially since he was getting closer to the source of the poison running in him. With both flowers and someone in him stirring inside.

It was going to be a tiresome walk, huh?  
  


**Roses - Love**

 

Takasugi reached the last hall. He came alone, leaving everyone else behind. He couldn't care less about them since his eye caught on the image of the person he missed so deeply.

His chest tightened, his breath went short, time was ticking.

It was him. It was truly him. No hallucination nor different personality. It was Shouyou. As beautiful as Takasugi remembered him. Maybe only a bit sadder.

"Sensei, don't make such a sad face," Takasugi coaxed. It barely made any difference. Shouyou was lost too deep in his thoughts, scared of trying any option other than self-destruction. Takasugi wouldn't let him do that.

He could read from Shouyou expression how he just couldn't understand why there was someone still fighting for him. Was it so strange?

"... it's my duty as your companion," escaped Takasugi's lips. But was he Shouyou's companion? Was it even worth it?

Pain ran through his chest. He curled to the ground coughing. Like he wasn't already dying from all possible causes, these flowers needed to add something on top of his suffering.

He chose it. He had to endure it.

Shouyou moved closer. He crouched to him. Caressed his cheek. Almost like back then. Worried about his student to the point of forgetting all limitation he put on himself.

"You're... Still?" Shouyou spoke.

"I'm still stubborn," Takasugi smirked. "At least that didn't change about me."

"Shinsuke... I..."

"Don't... It doesn't matter anymore. Either way, I won't survive long in this state."

"I'm sorry that I can't save you."

When Takasugi looked up to see his face, he saw tears.

_ No, no, don't cry. _

Takasugi wanted to move closer, wipe tears of his cheeks, take him closer, embrace him, but he no longer could move his body. He felt as the thing stirring in him was getting louder. For a moment he lost control...

He came back in last moment to withdraw the blade going to hurt Shouyou and pierced his own chest instead.

That helped a bit. How screw up everything had become that so much pain that he barely endure at the beginning of that cursed path, now became something he was grounding himself in.

He raised his eyes to Shouyou. Again that sad expression. But everything was going to be okay, everything was going to be okay. Takasugi was sure about it. Even if he would never see it come with his own eyes.

That was the end of his path.

"Shouyou... I loved you."

Shouyou chuckled. "You don't let me be stubborn?"

"No. It isn't healthy, sensei."

"Mh, time for you to take care of me?"

"I need to do something in return."

"Shinsuke..."

"No. Please, go."

When Shouyou left, Takasugi pierced his chest once again. After all, he'd been through that barely hurt. And that wasn't enough to kill him.

He could even die alone with grace. But that one thing about himself, he knew for a long time already.

_Not too cosy, huh?_ he asked the thing inside him.

"I could give you what you desired." Takasugi could almost feel as someone's hands were reaching around him, tracing over his skin as in marking him. "If you stop, you can still survive."

"Shame that I'm not interested in survival," Takasugi smirked.

"If you only knew he..."

Takasugi stabbed Utsuro. "I'm going to die on my terms. And I’m taking you with me."

"Why are you so stubborn?"

"Part of personality, I guess."

"You could have..."

"I know." Only one more stab, he could feel it. He could now face the darkness. The emptiness with the beloved face. "I could always have it, but I never chose to reach for it. And now that won't change."

"Foolish, stubborn creature," Utsuro uttered. Takasugi smiled. He was indeed the most stubborn samurai in this world. But before disappearing, Utsuro had to say one more thing. "As could be expected from _his_ dearest student. Shame that _I_ got to take you with me."

That left a bitter taste.

Utsuro wasn't that frightening being cause he was just strong. Where Shouyou was the hope and light, Utsuro was all bad thoughts that were catching people in the dark. There was truth in the words he kept saying. Takasugi had thought about it.

If he truly loved Shouyou, he should have done everything to stay by his side, not throw his life down the first bridge that he came across. But in the end, he guaranteed Shouyou happiness and good life. Pretty good outcome. He could let his fight end there. Every general need to know when to end his battles. At least during his last breaths, Takasugi finally learnt that.

It was all over. Again he fell to the ground feeling how life was draining for him. This time he wasn’t alone. Was it for the better? At least Gintoki didn’t try to rush to save him. Maybe he was already in so bad shape even the hero wasn’t giving him the chance of survival.

Gintoki took him in his arms quietly.

"I only wanted to be here, watch him, protect him..." Takasugi muttered.

"And that killed you."

"Not being selfish for once?"

"You were even more selfish. You can't always give out everything and refuse taking anything. One day you had to end up running low… You know he..."

"Oh, shut up. Let me die in peace."

Gintoki rolled his eyes.

"Take care of him this time."

"I will. I promised you that."

Takasugi looked at him not understanding. He needed a moment to recall it.

_ If I die, take care of sensei. _

"Oh, that... I phrased it so badly... next time I have to... but it doesn't matter any longer, does it? It's alright, it's alright,"

* * *

 

The last person to get out of that place was Gintoki. Holding closely in his arms so frail body that even the slightest touch could shatter empty shell that was left by the most vibrant, bright soul mankind had ever witnessed.

No one dared to speak. To cheer the hero that came back saving the world yet again. They saw his sorrowful expression too clearly, so some even dropped their gaze down. It turned even sadder when his eyes found Shouyou. Like with every move towards his past master he was apologising, begging for forgiveness. When he was close, something broke even more in him. He put his arms a bit higher, stopped avoiding Shouyou's gaze. Like a child holding his dearest toy that broke by accident in his arms asking their parent if they could fix it. If the world was going to return to what they used to know.

Shouyou was afraid there was nothing that could be done about it. They could only face the consequences of their stubbornness.

Yet, Gintoki's first words were about something utterly different. "Shouyou... He..."

"I know." There was no anger in his voice. After all that, there was no longer rage nor happiness. There was only mourning.

Shouyou took Shinsuke in his arms. Like he was just a little child that he wanted to lull to sleep. In this pose, he could clearly see how much harm he brought on himself. The mortal wounds showed off his heart. Or rather the place after it, since it was pierced through so many times it broke apart. But that space wasn't left empty. From the blood and harmed flesh were blooming roses. No wonder he could barely breathe and speak at the end.

And so much suffering for what? For one monster that should be killed?

Why?

_Why couldn't you forget about me?_

The flowers weren't letting him misinterpret it. He could even touch if he dared, how deep and sincere was this boy's love.

_ Why did you love me? _

That question probably didn't have an answer. There was rarely a reason behind it and if it was it was as small as a smile at a certain moment. Shouyou had learnt that much about people. They didn't need much of the reasons to fall in love. With him, it was probably the same. But before he named the feeling slowly growing in him, he found thousands of reasons for it. And somehow even if it had been years, that feeling didn't whiter.

For any of them, as the crimson roses were telling him. It was still vivid and aflame. Even if everything was long lost.

They were truly the most stubborn people in this world. But only that stubbornness could save the world from the darkness it was falling in. Shouyou started this fight, Shinsuke ended. Student finished the greatest work of his master. How beautiful it all seemed before counting how much it cost them.

Shouyou pressed his lips to the boy's forehead. The tears ran down his cheek again. It was all truly meaningless at this point.

It was too late.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Our love is six feet under  
> I can't help but wonder  
> If our grave was watered by the rain  
> Would roses bloom?  
> Could roses bloom  
> Again?"  
> ~ Billie Eilish "Six Feet Under"

**White chrysanthemums - mourning, grief**

 

Shouyou took Shinsuke back at Shouka Sonjuku like fulfilling boy's last wish.

Gintoki and Kotarou made the coffin and dug the grave. Shouyou took on himself the rest. He cleansed his body from blood. He intended to tear out the flowers, but facing this task, he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Even if they were part of the poison that took away his student, they were partially also… His feelings? Maybe Shouyou got too emotional about it. He was the poison that pushed this boy to death.

That one weed could not be so easily torn out to stop poisoning everything around.

He cupped one of the roses in his hand. He didn’t know how true was his impression they were Shinsuke’s feelings. It was worse. Like their crystalline form. And by slight touch, they managed to get to Shouyou and clenched over his heart. He immediately let go of them, but they managed to affect him.

His hand trembled. His heart was on the verge of breaking overwhelmed by this loneliness and longing. How could Shinsuke endure all of it for so long? And like puzzles, his story started to rearrange in Shouyou’s mind. It wasn’t like a vision, no, only a feeling, impression how his life could be like. Maybe because he finally had the emotions to match the stories he had heard.

There was an itch in him to reach towards the flowers again. To get to know the boy better, at least when… But his heart bearly stood one try, it was better to let it go uncovered by anyone. At last, Shinsuke himself never wanted his feeling to be bared towards anyone, even Shouyou. Maybe that was why he had always hoarded these petals…

Shouyou left the flowers to grow. How could he cut them off?

He moved to the next point. He clothed Shinsuke in white kimono. His body still felt so light in his arms. Almost child-like. But who chose the dead’s colour to be white? It didn’t suit him. Even lying down in the never-ending dream, he was still so vibrant and eye-catching.

Shouyou moved hair from his face. He traced over and over Shinsuke’s calm expression. His skin was so cold.

Maybe if Shouyou had to build the coffin or dug the grave, his impression would be different, if there was something physically challenging that would ground him and said what was happening around. But without it… It felt too surreal. He didn’t know if that was only a dream and whose dream might it be. Shouyou barely understood how he himself was alive once again. Other things were even harder to grasp.

He looked over his dearest student. That was how this story was ending? How cruel god decided on that?

Shouyou kissed Shinsuke softly. Maybe in the next life, this boy would have more luck.

 

* * *

 

Shinsuke was buried in the wooden coffin filled with white chrysanthemums. It was nearly looked like a joke compared to the vivid crimson roses still growing from his chest.

Shouyou couldn't bear the thought his dearest student was down in the cold ground. He tried to lull himself with alcohol like most of the other funeral attendants. It didn't work. He tried to cry it out. To scream it out. But there was no longer anyone who could answer his cries.

That one night was probably the closest point to breaking since he came back. But he survived it and kept going.

Or maybe he just couldn't let go of this place. Cause he ended up staying here. Setting the school anew. Rebuilding it from the ashes. No one was surprised. That was probably what they had expected from him. To return to being Yoshida Shouyou, to being a teacher, to being at Shouka Sonjuku... For him, that didn't have much meaning anymore. He got stuck between who he used to be, who he supposed to be and who he would never be. But he would work it out slowly.

Even if now, everything seemed meaningless.  


**Camellias - True Love**

 

At the grave started blooming deep-crimson flowers. Camellias. They seemed like… Like they were ones of _those flowers_ like they broke through the ground wanting to be seen.

The first year, Shouyou’s heart bled every time he saw them. But after they showed up again after the winter, somehow their presence became soothing. He even changed his room, so he could watch them from there.

They were especially liked by butterflies. Shouyou rarely saw so many of them in one place. Although one butterfly didn't seem to pay attention to them. It took interest in Shouyou. It kept flying around, sitting on his notebooks or his desk. Sometimes walking along with his fingers, flicker his wings on Shouyou's cheek. Quite a curious creature.

After all, what had happened, Shouyou strayed from people. Even as a teacher, he was more distant and cold than Yoshida Shouyou used to. After all, the world ha just remind him what kind of monster he truly was. That filled his life with the loneliness that he hadn’t even noticed until that one curious butterfly started to keep him company.

With the end of the autumn, it probably died as the flowers withered. But next year everything came back to life once again. And again. And again.

 

* * *

 

It was twelve years after his death. It still seemed so recent.

"Shouyou," Gintoki let himself in. By his side was standing some very pissed off young boy.

"New student, huh?" Shouyou smiled gently and went for the notebook. That motion became a habit.

"I don't care about school,” the boy threw without even looking at the notebook.

Shouyou looked at Gintoki.

"He wanted to challenge our school."

Shouyou chuckled. "And how it turned out?"

"I kicked his ass."

"My, my, Gintoki, you need to learn some manners,” Shouyou teased. Then he turned to the boy. “So, my little dojo-challenger, what do you want from us?"

"I wanted to meet you, Shouyou."

So bold for twelve years old. Nearly as...

Shouyou stared at him astonished. He moved his gaze only for a moment to look at Gintoki.

_Is it...?_

Unaware of their thoughts, the boy continued a bit embarrassed at this point. "I heard about you. And I..."

"Alright," Shouyou stopped him. No matter who he was and what was the reason behind his visit here, everyone was welcomed. "You can come more often, even if you want to just go straight to me. And take it.” He handed him the notebook once again. “Maybe you change your mind."

This time the boy listened. Maybe he only wanted to get out as soon as possible.

When he left, Shouyou gaze lingered after him. "Is it _him_?"

"Who knows?" Gintoki brushed it off out of habit. "Though it's pretty impossible there is more than one person that annoying."

"You found him for me?"

"He could be edgy and talk for hours how he was going to hell, but I knew he would stick around you somewhere. He was always too stubborn to die."

"Thank you," Shouyou spoke after a moment.

Gintoki shrugged his shoulders and left. As always he didn't want to show how much he cared about people around him. But Shouyou knew him well to read it between the lines.

There was only one thing left he couldn't understand. He looked over the flowers.

_Have you come back to me?_

_Or are we all missing you to the point of trying to find you in everything around us?_

 

* * *

 

"You come here again?" Shouyou asked the boy from the day before.

"Fight with me."

Shouyou smiled. He couldn't possibly remind him more than in this moment of pure fierce stubbornness.

"I'm sorry, but I prefer not to pick up my sword."

"Why?"

"I was a bad person. I've done a lot of wrong things."

"Now you're trying to make up for it?"

"Something like that. But I can guarantee you there is a lot of different people with who you can cross your sword if you wish to be stronger."

"Whatever."

Oh, it was never _whatever_ with him. He still kept coming and Shouyou teased him over and over again. “Hm, now you're truly becoming one of my students,” every time he saw him around.

One day the boy didn't react at first. He was too absorbed into something else. He was staring at the  _flowers_.

"Shouyou, what are these?"

"Nothing important." It was easy to spot lie. All students knew these flowers were important to their teacher, so they chose to keep their distance from it. In the case of this boy, his curiosity won over any other sentiment.

"I only want to touch them."

"Please, don't..." Shouyou walked to him. He wanted to keep him away from it. He didn't want this poison to run through his veins again. He didn't want to see him die again.

The boy didn't listen. Of course.

His touch was tender and attentive. He didn't want to bring any harm to the fragile flowers his master cared so much. If he only knew...

Tears ran down his cheek, but his hand reached further. Like he would get the full story if he touched each petal.

"Please..." Shouyou's voice quivered.

He moved his hand back after a moment. It didn’t mean he listened. Rather he learnt the whole story. He just stood probably trying to order it somehow in his mind.

Shouyou went closer to him. He didn’t know what to do in a situation like this.

The boy looked up at him. "I... I've come back, sensei."

Shouyou hugged him tightly.

In one moment everything turned out so easy. Just never letting him out of his arms.

_Maybe this time, the world let us be a bit more courageous, more open, more vulnerable. Maybe this time, the world let us be just a little bit longer._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope my impression of Hanahaki somehow made sense, cause I've never before even read anything like that, only some bits and pieces of some fics, but never a whole story.
> 
> Let me know what you're thinking in the comments, concrits are also welcome and if you want to chat about Gintama or hang out a bit you can reach me out on Twitter @AkikoKitsune


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